Posts Tagged ‘emotions’

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421. Some stuff in my head

November 24, 2010

Pen on paper, November 24 2010.

I haven’t had much chance to draw, to write, to do anything really, lately. So here’s one of two little sketches I whipped up in between lunch and study today. Click on the image to see it in a larger size.

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Sometimes I feel a bit redundant

September 27, 2010

Yeah, what the heading said.

So, I’m in this weird state of mind where I look at what the people in my husband’s family do (career wise, spiritually, educationally, etcetera) and I wonder what on Earth I’m doing there. I don’t belong there. Everything that I have considered unique about me, or specific to my self identity, has already been taken up by other people there. Strange that it should bother me so much, but here we are!

I used to be an obsessive musician. Granted, I was never a virtuoso, but many people remarked on my innate gift for music. I was even the inaugural music captain at my high school (13 years ago, that was!). Then I moved to the suburbs, joined a brilliant mega-church, and discovered that good musicians are a dime-a-dozen. So, I gave up my music. Oh, I occasionally strum the guitar and I can help my kids with their own piano studies, but I feel like a part of me has died a very painful death in giving up music. Listening to the Karnivool album ‘Sound Awake’ this afternoon, I had to admit that putting my beloved 5-string bass guitar in its case and stuffing it away behind the chest-of-drawers in my bedroom was a terrible, terrible thing. I really should dust the poor neglected guitars off and play, even if just for my own sanity.

Perhaps I’m just in a low point in my life. I look at the high-flying, high-achieving 20-somethings around me and compare myself to them. I’m in my late 20s and what do I have to show for it? A still as-yet-incomplete uni course on the go, no job, no music. I struggle with the things I love, art and writing. I just have to keep reminding myself that other Australian women my age often aren’t married with children like I am, and it feels good thinking that my youngest will be finishing high school when I’m 40 years old!

In all the self-loathing and moaning and carrying on, I have neglected my Bible study. So, in order to combat this, today I spent an hour scouring a Bible study website to begin a word study on the “elements”: earth, wind, fire, and water. Talk about a massive topic! It should keep me occupied for some time.

Hopefully, as I pour myself into God and into the bigger picture, I will begin to regain my confidence and strength. I hope that one day I can create something beautiful and worthwhile.

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Thoughts for the day, 23 August: weddings, semi colons and pirates

August 23, 2010

I’ve been thoroughly immersed in homework and trying to maintain a house lately (all those fun motherly things that arise when the family is ill). So much has happened recently that I think my brain has been overloaded.

Things that I’ve been thinking about include:

  • Why isn’t the semi colon key on my PC work as well as normal? It feels a little gritty (just thought of this one right now).
  • Why do I find weddings so emotionally distressing? Don’t get me wrong, on a philosophical, moral and religious sense, I am for weddings. From a sociological sense, I am for traditional rituals as important and significant means of signifying life stages and transformations, marking the movement of time and age. (It probably, dare I admit it, comes down to plain jealousy. I feel so darn insecure when I attend other people’s weddings. It makes me feel like my own wedding was a failure.* I think of all the little details I wish I had paid attention to. Okay, okay – it was heading on for 9 years ago now. Time to get over it, right?)
  • I am studying environmentalism, vegetarianism, food and nutrition sociology and animal rights at the moment. I have lost count of the times I’ve said (as I read the material before me), “I am soooo glad I don’t eat meat.” Purely on the gross-out level. That alone is enough!
  • How will I best go about marking International Talk Like a Pirate Day? [19 September.]
  • I love postgraduate student benefits at uni – like the right to borrow more books. Woo hoo! I have only just reached the conclusion that it is entirely feasible for me to visit one of the nearby campuses of my uni (my home campus is almost 2 hours away) to borrow books. Goody!
  • Spring is in the air. Birds are singing and fruit trees are starting to blossom. Everything smells like wattle flowers. (Sneeze!)

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*My marriage, on the other hand, is not a failure. It’s more like a success-against-difficult-odds testimony. As the marriage is clearly more important than the wedding itself, I guess I should celebrate this.

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Hellevision

June 26, 2008

Copyright F. Lokot 2008

Sunday 9 March 2008 – 4.40 pm

I hate Sunday afternoon television… actually, I dislike tv at the best of times. But why ruin a beautiful afternoon with tv?!

“Take that, tv!”

– some laid back tourism programme

– remote controller

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240. Desperate Quest For Beauty

May 18, 2008

Copyright F. Lokot 2008

Pen and pencil on yellow journal paper, April 2008.

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